Okay, I know there’s a reason we have “drains” at the front of bathtubs.  To keep water from overflowing and making a mess.  Unfortunately, there’s no way to override this safety feature.  And the bathtubs in this country as a default really don’t serve adult size bodies very well.  They’re too shallow.

I suppose this is to allow easy step-in and step-out, or maybe to make crawling out easier in case one is overwhelmed by the hot water.  But then why not just make all bathtubs shower stalls instead?  It’s a middle of the road compromise that makes for a pretty shoddy generic bath experience.

I mean, if the average bathtub were even a few inches deeper it would make all the difference.  Part of the pleasure of civilized immersion is in the knowledge that one is, without a doubt, securely doused.

Yes, yes, one can always do a workaround or purchase for themselves a more suitable arrangement.  I’m well aware of that.  Why, imagine, one could very easily just drive to some facility somewhere and partake of their options.  What a truly advanced civilization we are!

My point is, we’re talking about the default, absolute minimum you can expect.  You can always buy yourself a plastic cover for the front drainage area, but if the bathtub has a textured surface this won’t work.  One is forced, as always, to use advanced technology suitable to the undeveloped situation at hand.

The washcloth.

Jam that confounded cloth into the drainage holes and you will get some measure of improvement in the situation.  Although, as I have noticed, some bathtubs are plus or minus a few inches.  One cannot pretend to be a pleased crocodile with eyes and nostrils peering above the water for tasty ideas to crop up in one’s saurian brain if one does not have a satisfactory illusion propping up one’s suspension of disbelief.

I’ve got a technique to maintain here people!

However, there’s a second potential fly in the soup to consider.  How powerful the water heater is.  There’s the pathetic half-size heaters in many apartments that barely give you a decent shower, let alone allow you a solidly hot and full bathtub.

Then there are the “almost there” heaters that seem to choke on the last 10% of the amount required.  Scalding hot water comes out cool within moments, and if you aren’t paying attention you’ve got ice cubes in your hot tea, so to speak.  What a major rip off!

There was one good thing about the haunted house.  The downstairs bathtub had a decent volume, it was one the same level as the heater, so no loss of amount on its way up the pipes to reach you.  The water never failed to be perfectly hot and satisfying.

As long as I was willing to ignore the third light bulb of four flickering on and off at random moments, the door with no doorknob (just a big hole for ghosts to peer through), and the thought that only a drywall separated me and the Chucky doll in the spooky basement—why I could regularly have an awesome experience!

It really is like trying to put together an alchemical experiment at times.